Faith, Hope and Love

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” 

1 Corinthians 13:13 (NIV)

I recently experienced a breakup last month. 0/10, would not recommend. As I continue to process everything, I tried to think of what I would write about this month. Why not share a little bit of what I’ve experienced so far with strangers on the internet. I sat in front of a blank document and waited. I heard these three words: faith, hope, love. These words then led me to the Bible verse at the top. My personal experiences with these three things have definitely been affected in this current mental space I’m in. This might be a lot, but it’ll be honest. I hope that people still value that.

FAITH

I started to doubt God. I wondered if He wanted me to be single forever. I was on Facetime with one of my best friends, crying and I said, “Does God even want me to be married? I just want to feel like He cares, ‘cause it really doesn’t feel like it”. After my last dating experience, I thought that I had found a good thing, a great thing even and it felt like God had just snatched it away from me. I then began to really wonder, “Does He even care about me? This doesn’t feel like love. This sucks and it hurts”. I started to think about what it was that He wanted me to learn from this. I was so consumed by my sadness and anger that I had begun to distance myself from Him. I would play worship music in my car but I didn’t sing along. I would have devotional time but not be fully engaged. It was like I still believed in God but I didn’t really trust Him. I didn’t trust that He would really give me the desires of my heart. I was hurt.

I was reminded recently of how faith works by two of my favorite people in the world, Tia and Manny. I have known them for years and when they got married, they desired to have a baby as some couples do. They tried for years and nothing happened. Doctors eventually told them that they would never have children. One even told them that it was impossible. Despite the negative reports, Tia and Manny still believed that God would give them a child. They still bought a crib and a diaper genie. They bought newborn clothing, even though they didn’t have a baby of their own yet. Crazy right? But they persisted. 

Last year, they found a doctor who added her faith to theirs. She believed that they could make the impossible happen. They did in vitro fertilization (IVF) and were pregnant! It was so exciting. But a few weeks later, they experienced a miscarriage. Manny recently talked about how this experience really tested his faith in God. I’ve never experienced what they experienced but I can totally understand the sadness and rage they surely felt. But again, they persisted. They completed IVF one more time. 

What inspires me about Tia and Manny is that they kept trying. They kept believing. Some of us would just give up after that first time. I know that I would have. Tia got pregnant and about a week ago, they finally had their son, Theo. I genuinely weep any time they talk about him and it shows me that God is still faithful. That even when we’re upset with Him, when things don’t go our way, He still takes all of that muck, dirt and crap and turns it all into something beautiful. Imagine if Tia and Manny had just given up? Imagine if they had decided that they weren’t going to try again? Theo wouldn’t be here. Whew. I learned from Tia and Manny that faith is persistent. It’s not just a belief, it’s an action. 

HOPE

I was hopeless. My godfather recently asked me when I was going to start dating again and I laughed. First of all, I laughed because it had only been a few weeks since the breakup. Secondly, I just didn’t believe that there were men out there worth my time. I felt mentally exhausted at the idea of dating again. I was tired of hoping that it works out, hoping that the person doesn’t just suddenly decide that they no longer want to be with me, hoping that this was it, hoping that this was husbae. I was just done with it. 

I think that I’m still learning how to hold onto hope. It reminds me of the Paramore song  “26”, more specifically the chorus:

Hold onto hope, if you got it

Don’t let it go for nobody

And they say that dreaming is free

But I wouldn’t care what it cost me

There is definitely a cost to hoping. You don’t know how it’s going to end but you hope that it ends well. We hope to get that job. We hope that we get that text back. It’s all so unknown. But yet, we still try. We still get the courage to just do it. Even though the darkness felt so familiar to me, a small glimmer of hope recently came to me. I was getting my car inspected and I was sitting in the lobby reading Woman Evolve by Sarah Jakes Roberts. I can’t remember the exact wording of the  sentence but it talked about getting out of that dark place and I was suddenly inspired. I pulled out my phone and just started typing in my Notes app. I started to write about the dark place and how it can feel so comfortable when suddenly, out of nowhere, hope comes in and just changes everything. You can check out the piece on the Writing page of the blog. Let me know what you think in the comments.

LOVE

I think that my perspective on love is changing. It’s not just about one person to share it with forever. I find myself being loved and feeling loved the most when I’m with people. Facetimes with my sisters and best friends, hanging out watching Loki with my god sisters. In a season where I thought that I’d be alone, God surrounded me with people. I was in Boston with my family during the initial breakup. When I came home to North Carolina, my roommate, Amanda, didn’t let me just mope around and be alone. A week later, I went to Myrtle Beach and got to relax at the pool with my best friends. My sister and her best friend came to visit me for two and a half weeks where we laughed, we took a road trip to Georgia and they celebrated my birthday with me. God knew that I would need to be loved when I felt like love had been taken from me. He was pouring back into me when I felt empty. 

Although I had felt like I had lost my faith, hope, and love, they were still very much there. I hadn’t lost my faith. She was just hidden for a little while. A little bruised but she remained. Hope was still very much present. I just hadn’t spoken to her in a bit. And love? Well, love never leaves because love never fails. Love is consistent. Love is my weekly phone calls with my godfather. Love is laughing with my friends at a dumb TikTok. Love is me being content with watching movie commentaries before bed. 

Tough times are temporary. They feel eternal but they really aren’t. As I encourage myself, I encourage you, whoever and wherever you are, to keep going. Keep trying even when you don’t feel like it. Take it one day at a time. Future you will love present you for taking the time to heal. Feel your feelings, even those that you think God doesn’t care about. He’s not intimidated by our tears or even our anger. He wants you to give them to Him. Even if you don’t believe in Him, God still cares for you.