April Anxiety brings May…Clarity?

Hello y’all! I’m sorry that I’ve been gone! I hope that you missed me. I’ve missed you. I guess that I should explain myself huh?

I had the intention of posting in April. It was going to be this amazing review of all of the shows that I watched during my Spring semester. Something light. I genuinely did start it. However, this semester was a lot, to say the least. I was finishing up my 100 hour Practicum, I had assignments on assignments, I was trying to balance out my social life, and it had all started becoming overwhelming for me. I couldn’t really do anything without having to overthink it. My worries became my everyday thoughts. 

These were some of the thoughts that I‘ve had in April:

I have to get my blog done otherwise I’m not going to meet my goal for the year. And I don’t want to lose my following. Well, numbers aren’t everything but I don’t want to lose my engagement. 

Well, you have assignments that you need to get done, with about 20 more direct hours to complete with clients before the semester ends in 2 weeks. You also need to make sure that you’re doing those self-care things that they’re always talking about. When are we working out? Well, let me look at my planner. Oh, you’re working like everyday this week. Guess you can’t do that either. 

You’ve been spending a lot of money on takeout. Well, I’ve been doing homework all week so I can’t do groceries. Yikes, another bill is coming up.How did that happen?

God, I’m trusting you but how is everything going to work out?

Imagine this, on a loop, every single day. And that was  just a few thoughts out of the typically many that run through my mind. So instead of pushing through and giving you guys a review, I just didn’t do it. It stayed in my drafts folder and by the end of the semester, I was tired.

As someone who has anxiety and anxious thoughts on the regular, it’s not as simple as “well just don’t worry about it”. Don’t you think that I would if I could? If it’s not one thing, it’s another. It’s exhausting. Sometimes I wish that I could turn my brain off. 

But recently, I have been doing a devotional on Luke and Acts of the Bible. I’m currently in Luke and chapter 1 starts with the announcement of both John the Baptist and Jesus, respectively, to one of their parents. John’s father, Zechariah, was first. He and his wife Elizabeth were old and past child-bearing years, but an angel came to Zechariah and told him that he was having a child. His response basically was “How do I know that this will actually happen? I’m too old.”  Then, God literally put him on mute. Like he couldn’t talk until John was born. 

Later in Luke 1, we transition to another scene. There, we find Mary, Elizabeth’s teenage cousin, just minding her business when an angel arrives and announces to her that she is going to have a child, the future Messiah. Mary’s question is similar to Zechariah’s but also different. She asks, “How will this be? I’m a virgin.” I don’t think that Mary was doubting. I just think that she was genuinely curious. Zechariah’s question was more likely inferring,  “How do I know I can trust that?” while Mary was inferring, “God, how are you going to do it?”. There’s a difference in the intention of their questioning. When the angel describes to her that the same miracle will be done through Elizabeth, her response was “Let it be me according to your will” (Luke 1:38, ESV).

When I read that, I thought to myself, wow. There have been so many moments where I had hoped to be like Mary, full of faith and trusting God’s will. However, 98% of the time I’m Zechariah, questioning, wondering how I will know that it’ll be okay, despite the countless times that God has already covered me, provided for me, kept me. 

Here’s the thing. Even in my anxiousness, panic attacks, and endless thoughts, God has still blessed me. I have kept a 4.0 in all of my classes since starting grad school. I still manage to pay my bills on time. I still manage to grocery shop. I’ve woken up every day for the last 27 years, healthy. In the midst of the pandemic, I never got Covid-19. In all areas, He has provided and kept me. And even in Zechariah’s doubt, he was able to see the birth of a son, his future legacy, something that he never imagined possible. I think that what’s so great about God is that in my weakness, He is strong. Even when I wholeheartedly doubt Him, He still manages to bless me. Which is wild. It’s like He keeps on giving me chance after chance to trust Him. I can only imagine Him saying,like “Maybe this time she’ll get it. If not, I’ll keep doing it because I love her. She’s going to get it. I believe in her”. Gotta love grace. I just don’t want to ever take that grace for granted, you know?

So where am I going with this? Well I guess, even though anxiety is this rough battle that I deal with every day and may deal with forever, I’m forever grateful that God still gives me grace to continue trusting Him. Maybe those moments that I’ve had where He’s shown me how to trust Him have slowly been crushing my doubts, building a foundation of trust somewhere inside me that has been getting stronger each time. That eventually, in the most difficult of times that I’ll face, I’ll be able to feel grounded because I’ll have had testimony after testimony built up inside of me. I’ll be able to look anxiety in the face and say “No. That’s not true because my God has done all of these things”. 

I think that that’s pretty cool.

How do you all deal with anxiety? What are your go-to coping strategies? What are some verses or mantras you say to yourself? I’d love to start a discussion about it so be sure to leave a comment down below.

Also, I have a podcast with one of my best friends Milena! Our most recent episode, we discussed anxiety and how we process it.
Check it out: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/am-in-the-pm/id1551173930